For the last few months, I have been thinking of closing off my blog. I have been feeling like, maybe, I am done. I do not feel the NEED to write each week like I once did. I feel like I have said what I needed to say; that I have worked my way through a big transition in my life; that I have completed a cycle of life and am ready to move on. It is a calm feeling. It is the calm that follows the storm.
I started writing on this blog in January of 2010; a few months after I was terminated unfairly from my job; the year that my husband started travelling for weeks at a time for his work; the year that my son left home for university. Since then, my husband and I have come very close to leaving our marriage; I have lost my mother to dementia; my daughter has left home for university; our family dog has died; and I have had 2 jobs and 5 contracts.
It has been a lonely time; a time of huge changes; a time of losses and grief; a time of uncertainty. During this time, I have come face to face with my own mortality; I have had a hard look at the illusions that have shaped my life; at the beliefs that I have used to view my self. I have felt regret about some of the big choices in my life. I have realized how much of my life is behind me and how little time is left in front of me. This has been painful work and it has been healing work.
There are still many uncertainties in my life. I am currently working on a contract that will end in 10 months. My husband is not sure what will become of his job in the new year. Our son will graduate next spring and move to a place where he can find a job. My step-daughter will get married next spring and make Santa Monica her long-term home. But there have been some internal re-alignments.
I am feeling less judgmental of my self and other people. I am feeling more forgiving, more understanding, and more compassion for my self and for other people. I am feeling more open; less scared of life; less scared of being alone. I am taking more pleasure in the simple things; in the many gifts offered by nature; in those moments of connection shared with strangers; in those flashes when I see that my children are going to be wonderful parents. I am feeling closer to my sisters; more grateful for my husband; more accepting of my extended family; and more appreciation for my neighbours. I am feeling expansive; excited about the next stage of my life. And that is a pretty good place to be.