My husband and I have been drifting apart for a few years now. Four years ago, at 53, he began a totally new career when he was forced to closed down his business. This work takes him to remote communities for 2 to 5 weeks at a time, several times a year. In these communities, he works 12-14 hours days, 7 days a week, and has little access to phones or the internet. While this work is gruelling and takes him away from his family and home, he loves it; he is good at it; it feels like valuable work to him. I am relieved that he has work that pays decently. I am happy that he finds this work fulfilling. But I miss him.
For close to 30 years, Dan has been my best friend; my companion; the other parent in my household. So, now that he is gone for 20 or more weeks a year, I miss him. If the distance between us were only physical, I would not feel so much grief. But there has been an emotional distance growing between us as well. For the last few years, when he has been home, he has been pre-occupied. He has been cranky and taciturn. But he can’t or won’t talk about what’s bothering him. In fact, he has not been talking much at all. I feel like I have been watching our relationship whither and die.
I have tried talking to him, yelling at him, crying with him….but there seemed no way to reach him. He was not ready to talk. He was not ready to speak about the demons that have been haunting him. Until the last month.
Little by little, over the last few weeks, his feelings have been coming into the light. He is worried about our future. He is mad that retirement is nowhere in sight; that he has saved so little money. He is mad at himself for the “failures” in his life that have put us in this financial position. He cannot see how we can afford to retire so he cannot talk about our future.
So there it is, the fears, the anger, the shame and the despair that have been brewing in him ever since his business failed. I get this! Thinking about retirement scares me as well. Moving in and out of government, I see people my age who are retiring with generous pensions. Changing jobs the way I have, working on contracts for non-profit organizations, I have no pension to speak of, and much less in savings than I should. I too have dark nights where I feel scared about the future and mad about the choices I’ve made.
Now that these feelings are out in the open, I feel like I can breath again. We can grieve the future that we will not have; accept the choices we made; celebrate the good that came from those choices; and acknowledge the lessons learned. Then we can start to dream again; about a different type of retirement; one that does not require so much money; one that includes the two of us together. This, I can handle. This, I believe, WE can handle!
A future TOGETHER that is what counts. There are so many in the world in the same boat. All we can do is the best we can in the NOW. I know only too well we cannot change our past. I have no control on what the future may bring. But I do live in the NOW for the NOW is all there is. So Kim I mke the most of my now moments and the rest will take care of its self.
So glad that you now are communicating. Live, love, and laugh. And enjoy each other in those prescious moments
Love Sue xx
Thank you Sue for your lovely words of encouragement! I have considered the fact that we will have lots of good company!! Kim
Wow, what a fabulous post! You are not alone! I live in Ireland which has seen financial devastation wreaked across so many families, and I saw my own business of 10 years go up in smoke. I have read a few posts recently by bloggers whose close friends have lost partners. It does come down to realising and appreciating what is important in life, and you really have your priorities in the right place. Hang on in there, with a smile :-)
Thanks Jerry. Most days I have my priorities straight; other days I get scared and anxious about the future and beat up on myself for not playing it safe in the past. Be well yourself!!! Kim
I hope it all works out. Sometimes life can surprise us with the good too. Who knows what the future holds for any of us. My Hubby works away a lot too. He gone one week and home for one week. It is hard.
Hi Buckwheat….I think about the women whose husbands go off fishing or logging for months on end; or the men and women who have partners who go off to war for months at a time; how do they do it? Is you site up and operating again?? I will check it out very soon. Kim
Hi,
I know I can’t imagine either. When my Hubby first started the job he is at now, we lived 13 hours away from it. He would go and stay at camp and work for 3 week then after a 12 hr. work day or night, drive the 13 hours home. He was home for one week. That week was mostly spent recovering.
Now we live 3 hours away from his work and he works one week on and one week off. He stays at camp for the week he works. That’s enough.
The adjustment when he leaves and then when he come back is hard for me too.
As far as my site…the forums work and I could blog but the same issues are still there. people sign in with email and don’t seem to get the blog post updates…no one seems to know why. It’s been really frustrating. Now I’m trying to expand this blog and there have been behind the scene complications…
That sounds hard (one week on and one week off). Specially when you are dealing with some painful and scarey stuff in your life. I am sorry about the trouble with your blog…but it is good that the forum is working for you. Kim
Thank you, I now as of tonight have this one as a .com site not wp.com
so i’m basically starting again. maybe it’s all for a reason. :)
Deeply touched by this honest and open story- and I am so glad that you and your husband are talking to each other. The challeges (inner and outer) are real- but at least you have a chance to work together if you know what you are facing. Sending love and prayers, Oriah
Thank you Oriah…That is my hope and belief as well. Thank you for dropping by….with love…Kim
Thank you for posting this. The two of you are on a journey shared by others, my wife and I included.
Well, it is good to know that we have lots of company and good company at that. I imagine that there are opportunities and lessons in these situations that may not present themselves when things go more smoothly. Thanks for dropping in….Kim
I read with dread in my heart the opening of your post, Kim, and felt so relieved as you revealed the full story. Together you will be able to re-imagine your future and I’m sure that you’ll create something filled with hope and promise. Love might not be the only thing we need, but everything else is easier with it. My fervent wishes for your happiness, my friend
Sally
Thanks Sally…I am feeling like we have turned a corner….there will still be the physcialdistance, but I am hopeful that we can starting talking and dreaming again….Kim
Wow. It’s strange when I read a stranger’s post that in a lot of ways I could have written about myself and my husband. Take heart. It’s when he finally does open up that you can go forward. And Sue is right. Together is what counts.
Thanks Katie…It is reassuring to hear that we are not alone with these situations, and that it can get better once things are out in the open!!! Kim
Wow – I really feel for you. It’s amazing how much power those words… fear and anger… have over us, and what relief there is when they are finally faced. Together is what matters. Peace to you.
Thanks Alarna…
Your post reminds me of the years spent with my therapist, me telling her my stories of ‘lacks and failures’ and her telling me there are no such things, and the fear eats up the very energy needed to make positive changes. But it’s much more complicated when there are two people. Your years of loving each other made the space for the fears to bubble up and once they’re in the open, they lose their power. Your lives of service will bring many blessings your way–have no doubts!
Thanks Pam…I always have trouble writing about my relationship; 1) because I feel like I have to be careful of Dan’s privacy; and 2) because I am so scared ot what I might say. I think we are going to be okay, both financially and as a couple….and I have not felt that way for a long time.
I am an utter failure at hanging in there, but every relationship I’ve observed that lasted for a lifetime was because one or both parties held it together through the rough patches–and every relationship has rough patches. You two have a truly blessed life and I’m sure with all that love, you will be okay. :)
Thanks Pam….how are you doing?? Kim