For the last week, I have sunk into a funk. I work all day, sleep deeply at night, and then I watch a TV show on my computer all evening. I have not been reading. I have not been writing. I have been avoiding my daily walks. It has been dark outside, extremely cold, and treacherously icy. But I know that there is more going on; something dark has been smouldering inside of me.
I have been watching, rather obsessively, a TV series that I discovered on Netflix called “Once Upon a Time”. For a show about fairy tale characters, the writing and acting are surprisingly good. It explores good and evil, hope and fear, power and vulnerability. It
plays with the power of belief; belief in one’s self; the belief that things can work out well; the belief that there are choices in life. The main character, who has grown up an orphan, is struggling to believe that she is the “saviour” that others believe her to be.
Something about this series has been resonating with me. As I watch the shows, one after another, in my addictive state, I have felt that there is a message in them that I need to hear right now. Recently, I have been frustrated with my job. I have been feeling angry that, once again, I find myself working under someone who is less capable than me. It is a pattern that repeats itself over and over in my life. I am tired of seeing what needs to be done but having too little authority to act upon my observations.
Then tonight I got it; the message. I have been waiting for someone to tell me that I would be a good leader, when this is something that I have to claim for myself. Rationally, I know that I am ready to step in the role of the decision-maker, but like the heroine in this show, I have no faith in myself. The neglected and abandoned child within me; the one who was invisible; the one who had no voice; feels unworthy of the responsibility.
I am 56. I have been working in my field for 30 years. My children have left home. I am one of the elders. It is time. Time for me to recognize my abilities; to claim the authority; to step into my power. Time to offer my community the best that I have to offer; time to assume the responsibilities that I was born to carry.