Holding to my Centre

ImageI am in this strange place at work these days. I work for a coalition of 18 organizations with 50 members who are scattered across the country. There are two of us who run this coalition but we work in home offices on opposite sides of the country.  There are two consultants who work for us. And there are two members who are supposed to provide us with direction.  For the last several months, I have felt demoralized by the attitude of those around me.

One of our consultants is really greedy; she bills us for twice as much time as she actually works and she gets paid five times as much per hour as we do.  The other staff person, who is my supervisor, is totally disengaged from the work. He seems to do as little as possible; he has little interest in discussing the work that we do; and he offers no feedback on my work at all.  Both of our advisors are too busy to engage in our project.  One of them told me, “Those little things that you are doing are all well and good, but the really valuable work is being done by {the greedy consultant}”.

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Despite the atmosphere of negativity and neglect, I have been working hard to support the coalition; to get attention for our issues; to organize events that help our members; to draw attention to the work of our members.  But I feel like I have been operating in a void; with little feedback from our members, no support from my colleague, and no appreciation from our advisors.  Most days, I feel invisible.  Some days, I wonder if my work has any value at all.

Most mornings however, I wake up excited about my work; about the article I will write for our website; about the presentation I have to prepare; about the report that I need to edit.  I look for outward signs to evaluate the success of my efforts. I take comfort in the strong turn out for our events; in the acceptance of our conference abstracts; in the number of hits on our website. The world beyond our coalition seems to be responding to our work, and I know that “those little things that I do” has helped attract that attention.

So, I am trying to listen to my own inner voice; the voice that tells me we are moving in the right direction; the voice that tells me that I am doing a good job.  I am trying to hang on the small words of encouragement; the coalition member who says I am the glue that holds the coalition together; the workshop facilitator who leans over and quietly tells me that my presentation was excellent while people line up to speak to the greedy consultant.  I am trying to hold to my centre; see the value in my work; hear the supportive words floating in the void.

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About kp

I am a woman, a mother, a sister, and a wife. I have called myself a socialist and a feminist, an environmentalist and an activist, a pagan and an atheist. But, at this stage in my life, none of these labels feel right. I am searching; trying to find an inner calm; trying to make peace with life's disappointments; trying to answer the big questions in my own small life.
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5 Responses to Holding to my Centre

  1. Jerry says:

    Hang on in there kp and just measure yourself by your own standards, as they say in Ireland, feck the rest.

  2. This sounds so familiar to my own climb up the career ladder many years ago now, I had a boss who sounds just like your greedy consultant… I would provide ideas and she would take them professing them as her own.. I also remember with smiles now, but I was angry at the time.. I went on a seminar about Quality.. And presented her an in-depth report on how we could incorporate new quality systems into the textiles we were manufacturing, she tossed it to one side saying she would read later… Two weeks later her PA came to me warning me that she was bringing out a new system of Quality control methods.. She used my document nearly word for word… The PA said you have a rights to confront her.. But I let if go…. It wasn’t worth the hassle… After a series of her bombastic ways, and problems with other issues and over work.. looking after 3 factory outlets, Thats when I had my nervous breakdown..
    I left after being off of work for 6 months due to health reasons, but had lined myself another job and went down a rung on the ladder only to climb up again… To take on more stress… My health was the final signal Kim, some 7 yrs and job changes later… To end the rat race.. and thats when I changed career paths all together.. and went into caring for others…
    I have been doing that now for 10 yrs which has been much more rewarding, Yes lots less pay.. And now again its time to re-look at my life.. I am not getting any younger and my hubby is 7 yrs older than I and already retired… So….. I need to re-evaluate again…. I have done a lot of thinking as I went into my own centre Kim… And while you maybe holding the fort, its obvious you are not happy with the way things are run…
    We spend too long a time at work, even if you are working from home not to be happy doing what you are doing… If you are, then thats fine..

    But for me, I have come to another cross-roads which I have been asking for directions to my next path… I still have no answers, but I think I know where I am heading..

    Much Love Kim. and many thanks for your wonderful comment upon my post, I so appreciated your kindness…. Hugs Sue xox

    • kp says:

      Dear Sue….thank you so much for sharing your own experience and for validating mine. Sometimes, I feel like I am ungrateful for not appreciating how good I have it with my work life. But, like you, I have always felt that the time we spend working is too valuable to waste it doing work that we do not enjoy. I am hanging in with this job but, as you say, praying for direction because this is not meeting my soul’s needs at this stage in my life. When I have worried out loud to a counsellor I see from time to time about being too picky about my work, has told me that work has more importance for some of us than others; because for some of us, it is central to what we have come here to do. This made me feel better; like I am allowed to keep looking for something better even though I know I have it so much better than so many others. Thanks again Sue. With love and light….Kim

      • Kim you are welcome…. at the time I didn’t see it for a long while… In hindsight we can look back through the eyes of experience… Much love and keep sending out your intent to your perfect job and I am sure you will attract it to you xx Hugs Sue x

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