Holding to my Centre

I am in this strange place at work these days. I work for a coalition of 18 organizations with 50 members who are scattered across the country. There are two of us who run this coalition but we work in home offices on opposite sides of the country.  There are two consultants who work for us. And there are two members who are supposed to provide us with direction.  For the last several months, I have felt demoralized by the attitude of those around me.

One of our consultants is really greedy; she bills us for twice as much time as she actually works and she gets paid five times as much per hour as we do.  The other staff person, who is my supervisor, is totally disengaged from the work. He seems to do as little as possible; he has little interest in discussing the work that we do; and he offers no feedback on my work at all.  Both of our advisors are too busy to engage in our project.  One of them told me, “Those little things that you are doing are all well and good, but the really valuable work is being done by {the greedy consultant}”.

Despite the atmosphere of negativity and neglect, I have been working hard to support the coalition; to get attention for our issues; to organize events that help our members; to draw attention to the work of our members.  But I feel like I have been operating in a void; with little feedback from our members, no support from my colleague, and no appreciation from our advisors.  Most days, I feel invisible.  Some days, I wonder if my work has any value at all.

Most mornings however, I wake up excited about my work; about the article I will write for our website; about the presentation I have to prepare; about the report that I need to edit.  I look for outward signs to evaluate the success of my efforts. I take comfort in the strong turn out for our events; in the acceptance of our conference abstracts; in the number of hits on our website. The world beyond our coalition seems to be responding to our work, and I know that “those little things that I do” has helped attract that attention.

So, I am trying to listen to my own inner voice; the voice that tells me we are moving in the right direction; the voice that tells me that I am doing a good job.  I am trying to hang on the small words of encouragement; the coalition member who says I am the glue that holds the coalition together; the workshop facilitator who leans over and quietly tells me that my presentation was excellent while people line up to speak to the greedy consultant.  I am trying to hold to my centre; see the value in my work; hear the supportive words floating in the void.