As the child of mother who left home before her children, I am incredibly self sufficient. At an early age, my sisters and I learned that we could not count on others; that we needed to take care of things our selves. And while this is not a bad life lesson, like all lessons, it has a dark lining. I have gone through my life feeling that I NEED to make things happen; at work, in my home life, in my relationships. I am hyper-responsible, hard working, and driven. This is not something I have strived for; it is something woven into my being.
I have been unemployed for the last several months, looking for jobs and contracts or funding. While many people have told me to “enjoy the time off”, that is an impossibility for me. I am shaken by this pause in my work life. I am surprised when that is not obvious to others. I cannot imagine not working. I am scared about the financial repercussions. I am terrified that I will never find another job that fits my skills and expertise. I feel lost and alone in the world without a job.
While some people have trouble “making things happen” in their lives, I feel that if I do not “make things happen”, I will not survive. For me, it has been hard to let go of control; to recognize that we need to leave space for the Universe to deliver; to leave space for others to support us or not; to understand that I cannot make things happen alone. For me, patience is about trusting that things will work out. It is also about accepting that things may not work out how I expect them to or want them to. And that that is okay.
So, I am continuing to look for work; applying for jobs; submitting proposals for contracts. BUT I am trying to balance that activity with something else. I am trying to accept that I may be unemployed for several more months. I am trying to see this time off as a gift; a time out from the hectic pace of life; a time to reflect; a time to restore my energy; and time to consider the next phase of my life. I am trying to trust that the Universe/Great Spirit/God will present me with an opportunity that is right for me. I am practicing stillness. I am practicing patience.