I am cranky today. Usually, I try to write when I am feeling calm and centred. But today, I am feeling unsettled, like the weather, warm one day and cold the next. I am wrapping up a project, culling my files, filling out forms, writing up post-project reports; a stage in a project that is very satisfying in a very anal sort of way.
But I am also trying to decide what to do next. This is the part of a project I hate. It is the amorphous stage where nothing is clear. The project ideas are still forming; an idea that seems good one day feels over-used and stale the next. I don’t know who to call first; the funding agency? the sponsoring agency? or the potential partners? So I am groping around in the dark; wheels spinning; with not much to show for my time at the end of each day. But, when I remember clearly, this is how it always is at the beginning of each project.
I look out my window; something I seldom do once I am into research and writing mode. It is grey out again; scattered clouds with only small patches of blue peaking between the white and grey of clouds. The big maple tree in the corner of my yard has produced blood red buds this week. It is still mostly naked; grey trunk and black branches etched darkly against the sky; but now there are little buttons of red lining the tips of all the branches. The ground is still wet and muddy but the grass is beginning to look green again. The leaves of the lilies and irises have pushed up through the earth; olive green against the soil and last year’s growth.
It was a long winter and it is turning out to be a cold and slow-moving spring. But I know that things are happening under the earth and inside those buds. I know that we will have a few hot, sunny days, and spring will literally burst into being. There will be colour again, and fragrances, and warm windy days, and sunshine. And we will have survived another long cold winter. And life will feel worth living again.