An old friend wrote a blog this week about how often we resist things falling apart in our lives. She was suggesting, in her infinite wisdom, that perhaps, we need to see falling apart and disintegration, not as a failure to be avoided, but as a necessary step in a process that precedes rebirth. I found myself thinking, “YES!!” as I read her words.
For several years now, it has felt like my life was falling apart. I went from having a permanent job that paid well with job security, a pension, respect and support, to scrambling for contracts with no financial security or support. My children have been leaving home. My husband and I have been growing apart. My mother has disappeared into the fog dementia. My father’s physical health has been slipping. I have been struggling with this time of “falling apart”. I have been resisting it; trying desperately to control it. I have been beating up on myself for choices made. I have been feeling like a failure and a fool. As if somehow, the falling apart could have been, should have been, avoided.
And then, a few weeks ago, a woman approached me with an idea; a project we might work on together. Now we are writing a proposal together; a proposal that could bring me work for the next few years of my life; a proposal that pulls on all the different jobs and contracts and projects that I have done over the last 8 years. And, I find myself wondering if it was all meant to be; if all of the odds and sods were all a part of a process to bring me to this place; to prepare me for this next stage in my career.
And, if that is the case, perhaps I can trust all of the other ways in which my life is falling apart? Maybe I can just let go and trust; trust that things will work out; trust that there will be rebirth in the next stage of my life; and in the world beyond this life?