For several months, I was unemployed and searching for work. It was a difficult time; a time that tested patience and faith. Then one month ago today, I was offered a job; a job that pays much less than I have grown used to; a job with no pension, little job security, a small dark office, little administrative support, and an antiquated computer. It is with a small, non-profit organization that does advocacy work on environmental issues.
I am now the Executive Director for this organization and will have responsibility for everything from running campaigns on environmental issues to purchasing paper. On this, my 2nd week on the job, I spent my Saturday buying a computer, two desks and a chair, and my Sunday moving them into my small dark office. There is a loud voice in my head that keeps saying: “You have won the booby prize; get out of here as fast as you can!!” But there is another voice that whispers: “You are exactly where you are meant to be!” While my rational mind screams: “I can’t believe that you worked 30 years to get here”, the deeper voice says: “Yes, your entire life has been preparing you for this!”
For now, I am allowing the internal debate to continue. But tomorrow, I will jump out of bed and rush into my small dark office with energy and focus because some part of me is thrilled by the possibilities this job presents. And while I wish the Universe provided clearer signs to let me know when I am on the right track, experience has taught me to trust my feelings.
I am a woman and a mother, a sister and a wife. I have called myself a socialist and a feminist, an environmentalist and an activist, a pagan and an atheist. But, at this stage in my life, none of these labels feel right. I am searching; trying to find an inner calm; trying to make peace with life's disappointments; trying to answer the big questions in my own small life.